GUEST BLOGGER: May Challenge - O is for Online Dating Horror Stories

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Meet Jackie Smith!!!

Over the years, I’ve had countless opportunities to live life and experience all that it has to offer. I can't complain, I’m truly blessed. Like most women my age, I model most of my life choices comparing myself to the girls from Sex and the City. That being said, I know it's not real life, but you have to admit, the show is a real gem and everyone of the episodes relates to a past relationship or current dating situation.

I suppose, if I really followed in Carrie’s footsteps, I would be breaking up with Aiden, and pursuing right?

Big for the third time while he cheats on his twenty five year old wife. But this is real life, by societal norms, I should be married, with children, but instead, I’m not. I do however, spend most of my spare time on Pinterest planning and plotting away on a wedding board titled “When Shit Gets Real” and that's basically like almost getting married,

Needless to say, we all like to mix things up once in a while, meet new people and get out there and see what's available. In 2014, companionship can be found electronically in what I refer to as the “bowels of the internet”, better known to normal people as online dating. If there is one thing I love, it's telling a truly horrifying real life, ridiculous story. Honored to help my cousin with her A-Z blog challenge I now present you with my real life dating horror stories in hopes it will make you laugh.

As with all horrible things, in the moment they are just that. HORRIBLE. But when the dust settles, they are the best stories, and sometimes the most entertaining.

Horror Stories in Online Dating Part 1: Featuring the Wanna be Undertaker and Lizard Boy

The Wanna Be Undertaker

I had a date on Sunday, seemed innocent enough. I was going to meet a good looking guy for coffee. Worst case, I spend 30 minutes of my life in hell and a few extra minutes at the gym Monday morning working off my latte. I had to reschedule due to a wicked hangover, so we ended up meeting on Halloween a few days later. We kept the venue the same, meeting for coffee at an open public place. The town was cute, on the water and the coffee shop was also adorable. The guy, not so much. 

He met me on the sidewalk, hugged me for longer then needed, then we went inside. He had already ordered (cheap ass) and walked away when I ordered my drink. We sat and chatted for a while, then he wanted to go for a walk. Since it was Halloween, all the kids were out trick or treating and the houses were all decorated with cob webs and spooky music. This was great, however, my date now began aggressively trying to hold my hand and kiss me on every corner. He had the breath of a dragon and kept insisting we walk through the cemetery. After walking around and dodging his kissing assaults for 50 minutes, I was ready to bolt. He continued insisting we go through the cemetery. I couldn't stall him any longer from trying to kiss me nonstop, so my options were kiss dragon breath or die in a cemetery. I chose the cemetery. After a lovely walk among dead bodies, in the rain, we sat outside a church and talked about lord knows what. Soaking wet perhaps in the beginning stages of pneumonia, and possibly harboring a ghost spirit in my purse, we finally left. I never spoke to cemetery boy again.

The Lizard boy from Monsters Inc.

We met for dinner on a Friday night. He refused to eat since he had made waffle fries prior to the date. He also looked nothing like his picture and in fact resembled the lizard creature from Monsters Inc. Charming. He was the most miserable person I have met and I know some pretty miserable people. He told me about his crappy job (which turns out he wasn't in any way an engineer which he claimed to be), his ex gf cheated on him with a surgeon and never looked back to him and his creepy family. He told me his miserable life story and way way too much information. Feeling like a therapist, trapped in a Pixar film, I excused myself to the bathroom and when I came back he conveniently had something to tell me.

I knew this would be good.

My mind wondered to him stating, “ I eat dead bodies” or “Jeffrey Dahmer is my idol” or “I used to cut myself and I take anti-depressants regularly” turns out, the lack luster news was his mom was at the very same bar. Super.

Trying to sneak out wasn't an option, since she was perched on a bar stool at the door. I then spent the next 40 minutes with a woman drunk out of her mind and high on narcotics since she recently had back surgery. Between screaming "whats this girls name again" loud as hell trying to whisper, and falling off her seat, she engaged in a compelling conversation about Chris Daughtry's new album with her semi normal friend. Drunk drugged out mom kept trying to buy me drinks, but after the second one, my penchant for playing nice with lizard boy had worn off. We finally left and lizard asked to see me again. Apparently, this is a normal friday night for him, but in my world, this was anything but normal.

Although, there are plenty of horrible stories to share, these two are my favorites of the worst. There are plenty of weirdos out there, but it should be said that there are also some really nice guys that are anything but losers. For every bad date I went on, I had a great one with someone else. So, if you are looking for love and thinking online dating might be for you, go for it. You have nothing to lose, and just think if you are really lucky, you might have some good stories to share at brunch!

Interested in being a guest blogger for this year's May A-Z Series or know someone you think would be a great addition to this year's posts? Click here to email me asking for more details. Be brave! Take "write a blog" off your bucket list. Share your artwork, write a poem, showcase your photography -- Take Your Pic loves it all!! 

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