May Challenge: N, O & P - Nuts Online (Dating) Quest

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

This post I am combining N, O and P -- while you think that may be cheating, this post without a doubt will make you laugh while reading it. While reading this, please just invision my facial expressions and tone in my voice....

Nuts Online (Dating) Quest
I will openly admit I tired the online dating scene. Stats say that 40 million people participate/try online dating and I figured why not mark myself as one of those stats. I tried online dating for a short period of time when I lived in Baltimore in 2010 (I went back to the Charm City when I took a coaching job at Loyola.)

So here I was -- back in one of my favorite cities with some of my favorite people. However I was missing one thing, a boyfriend. So I gained some courage and decided to join OkCupid -- mainly because I was being cheap and didn't want to pay for Match or eHarmony.

I sign up, make my profile, post pictures of myself I thought I looked cute in. Chatted with a few people and tried to set up a few dates. I went on a couple first dates that only lasted as ONE date(thanks for the dinner boys!) but there was one date in particular that made online dating quickly come to an end.

So like most online sites, I got a message from  a guy trying to make conversation. Like each person on dating websites, immediately after reading his message I checked his profile, examining for the basics -- do you drink, do you smoke, do you have kids, what do you do and an important note, how tall are you. You of course have so be somewhat physically attracted to the person to give them a shot -- this guy seemed normal, good looking, 5'10 height, great! Sure! So we scheduled sushi.

Tuesday night comes and he texts me that he is outside. I jump in his SUV and help him park by Matsuri, my favorite sushi place in Baltimore. We park and off we go to dinner. I get out on my side of the car and look over to his -- he jumps out and all of a sudden I can no longer see him. HOLY SHIT, where did he go?! 

His door closes -- still I see no head, and suddenly I see him appear from around the front hood of the car. Holy fu$#, this dude is PUSHING 5-feet tall...I am on a date with a midget!!!! (Please note - I have nothing against little people/individuals who are vertically challenge; I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea here. This just really caught me off guard.) 

His profile said he was 5'10" and here I am, standing in 4inch heels (making me about that height), and I am looking down on this guy as he shakes my hand. While looks should not matter and what matters is on the inside, I could not get over the shock. So we hurry inside to sushi and sitting down I felt much more comfortable looking eye to eye.

So he cracks some jokes about his height and honestly was VERY confident in himself with an issue I feel many people would be bothered by. He never mentioned his profile info and while I was tempted, I kept my mouth shut. After hearing him out I gave the dude props -- but little did I know this date was going from weird to straight creepy.

As we're making conversation we start talking about family ... what they do, who they are, etc. etc. Then comes the shocker. Literally 30 mins into the date he starts talking about how his mother would love me and we need to fix a time to meet. UMMMM hello bro, we JUST met. We then talk about family traditions and what we do -- I told him about how as a family we go and cut our Christmas tree down together every year. He goes "Oh my gosh, this year will be so fun, I can join you all up in Pennsylvania." WHAT THE F--- IS THIS SERIOUSLY HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?! He has to be joking.

In a little under two hours I had myself a stage 5 clinger.... we were already dating, meeting families, planning holidays and living happily ever after in his mind. If the height thing didn't already lose you with me buddy, it was this crazy talk you usually hear dudes saying about chicks. Dear sweet lord, CHECK PLEASE.

Check comes, thank the lord, I can walk home. But wait for it.
"Hey do you wanna go take a walk around the Harbor for a little bit?"
uhh no I need to get back to my house soon.
"Come on, just for a few minutes."

So our awkward walk around the Harbor happened with conversation about how his mother is going to love me and he cant wait to text her tonight after he leaves. Yada yada yada. FINALLY, I tell him I need to get home right now. I actually did have to get home because I was playing in an indoor soccer league that night. I tell him I need to get moving and get ready so I didn't miss the game.

"Oh you have a game where is it?"
It's by the airport, kinda out of the way.
"OMG, no way, I live right by there. Ill come watch"

Dear sweet Jesus, THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE. I tell him no, there is no need for that, thank you though.... yeah, the kid FOLLOWS me to my game. I get out of the car, he says "Told you i'd like to watch."

Sitting there the entire game he cheered like a school girl and I've never been so embarrassed in my life. This day could NOT come to an end any sooner.

The next day he texts me and I tell him I think it would be best to just be friends. About 30 seconds later I get a call from him -- he is crying.

Are you crying because of me?!
"No, not you -- I... I... I just have had a really bad day here at work and I need someone to talk to and..yeah...you seriously don't want to hang out again."




After that phone call I never had conversation with this guy again and I immediately deleted my online profile.


Although my online dating scene only lasted a few months, I count my lucky stars everyday now that Taylor has come into my life. Good luck to anyone on the online dating quest -- be careful and be safe. Dont find yourself a stage 5 clinger. 
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